Have an embarrassing sex question? Chances are someone else has already asked it on Reddit (or hey, maybe that was you!). Known as « the front page of the internet, » Reddit is where web-savvy people crowdsource answers to pretty much any question…like this one. Feel free to check out what other commenters had to say, but we went straight to an expert to get the facts. Check it out, below:
The question: I can never get the same orgasm with my boyfriend as I get with my vibrator. Is it possible? I feel like I’ve spoiled myself too much… sex with my SO is great, and I do orgasm, but not nearly as strongly as when I masturbate. I also don’t want to have to pull out the vibrator every time we have sex just so I can get knocked on my ass the way I do when I’m alone. Are vibrator-induced orgasms natural, or is it like an unfair advantage?
The expert: Lauren Napolitano, Psy.D., licensed psychologist at Bryn Mawr Hospital in Bryn Mawr, Penn. and author of the forthcoming book Over-Scheduled & Under-Sexed: How Busyness is Destroying Your Marriage.
The answer: The short answer: Yes, vibrators totally have an unfair advantage in the bedroom, because they’re man-made sex toys specifically designed to get you off, says Napolitano. « Sex with a vibrator is intense and powerful because you have control over your orgasm. » Also, well, it has batteries and sensations and gadgets that your guy just doesn’t come equipped with. « Your guy’s tongue, finger or penis cannot mimic the precision of a machine, » says Napolitano.
So it’s probably not possible to replicate the exact same orgasm with your (human) partner, but that doesn’t mean those climaxes should be any less awesome. You may just need to hold off on your toys for a while to give your body a chance to be stimulated and excited by just your partner instead.
Vibrator-induced orgasms might be powerful, but the orgasm that arises during sex with someone you care about is mind-blowing in a different way, says Napolitano. « It’s powerful because it indicates that you’ve allowed yourself to become emotionally and physically vulnerable with another person. »
Since your body can get used to relying on certain positions, sensations, or crazy sex toys to get off, it’s crucial to switch things up. Try abstaining from your usual gadget for a few weeks or months while you explore other avenues to your orgasm. Try different positions and be very open about what works best—maybe girl-on-top with some manual stimulation will work better than missionary, especially if you typically used a vibrator for clitoral stimulation. « If this person truly cares about you, it will bring him delight to give you powerful orgasms, so don’t bite your tongue, » adds Napolitano. The more communication, the better.
Obviously, there is nothing wrong with using vibrators and other sex toys in the bedroom, as long as you’re using them to enhance—not replace—sex with your guy, and you’re both on board. Some toys, like the LELO IDA, are designed to stimulate both you and your partner at the same time. And a small bullet vibrator like the Babeland Buzz Vibe is discreet enough to use on your clitoris while you and your guy are having sex.
But if he’s a little turned off by the idea of bringing something with batteries to bed, make it something you guys can purchase and experiment with together. « Consider opening the door to sex toys by asking him to buy something that he might like—a penis ring or maybe rope for bondage, » says Napolitano. We promise you don’t have to choose between your partner and knock-your-socks-off orgasms.
More from Women’s Health:
The Best Sex Toys for Couples
Here’s What You Need to Have the Best Sex of Your Life
How to Start Using Sex Toys in Your Relationship
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